15th December 2007

I was out last night when my friend Jo introduced me to a lady who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and will be having a mastectomy on January 2nd.  What a way to pass Christmas and start the new year…  Jo told the lady she was sure I’d talk to her if she needed to but the lady isn’t ready to talk to other cancer birds yet.  I remember not wanting to talk about it with other cancer people at first, you have to believe you have cancer first.  I still have moments of denial!

I received a message on MySpace recently from someone who has been writing to me ever since my diagnosis.  His messages usually make me laugh loudly but this time his message contained just 3 words: “Are you ok?”.  I didn’t know how to answer it without telling a huge white lie so I didn’t, sorry Robbie.  I used to live in France and over there it would be a different story.  If you ever asked a French person the same question you would still be there two days later listening to their health issues and by then you would know their blood pressure, iron levels, family history and bowel habits.  It’s so English to answer, “I’m fine, thanks” when someone asks how you are but the French are serious, unashamed and honest when it comes to their health.  I once remember a friend who was alarmed at seeing an emergency medical helicopter land nearby and seeing his neighbour air-ambulanced away.  We lived in the sticks and the neighbour had apparently suffered severe chest pains so they sent a helicopter out quick.  2 days later the friend was surprised to see the neighbour out working on his garden.  Concerned, he asked him how he was and the neighbour replied unembarrassed, “Ahhhh, c’est du gaz”.  (It was wind).

I’ll be ok but either the drugs are making me feel down, (hormone stuff), or it’s the time of year or maybe even a combination of the two because I don’t feel ok at the moment.  I wake up and wish I had my own family so I could make mince pies for them and have big family arguments over Christmas.  There must be a lot of people out there feeling a bit wobbly at Christmas.  Keep your chin up people, it’s only Christmas.  I’m ashamed to say I made my mum cry on the phone the other day.  She said she was choking on a tortilla chip and I believed her.  My brother told me later she’d been crying.  I feel guilty so about this.  I don’t really tell people when I’m feeling down, I just burden my poor mum.  I know it will come right.  It’s just part of the rollercoaster ride.

I’m looking forward to Christmas and having a rest though – putting my feet up and eating some non organic mince pies.  I’ve been getting out there training hard for my motor bike test in some pretty parky and miserable weather.  My good friend, Is, sent me some heat pads that I slip inside my gloves to stop my fingers dropping off.  My training progress is like playing golf; one day you think you’ve got it, the next, you think you’ll never master it.  Now don’t mention the U turns!!  Last time I reported, I had a puncture at 70 mph so I’ve been looking out for mechanical problems.  Sure enough, this time, I could smell burning as we set off from Derby for Nottingham.  I was just wondering if the bike might be about to explode in flames, (overactive imagination, Lou), when a voice over the intercom said, “Pull over Lou when you can.”  It turns out I had sprung a leak from the coolant liquid thingy so we had to turn around and take bike no. 1 back to Derby.  Setting off on bike no. 2, we were just nearing Nottingham, (our destination), when the other student got a puncture, (fortunately we were riding in slow traffic this time), so again we had to head back to Derby to fetch another bike.   I rode pillion back with the instructor, (bike no. 3), and gave the student my bike.  We finally set off for Nottingham again with me on bike no. 4 and arrived in time for the other student’s bike test.  Unfortunately, he put his foot down doing the U turn and failed.  It was like ground hog day.

Flipping U turns… the instructor says the U turn only features in the test to ‘up’ the failure rate. They are very difficult to do and I am having major problems mastering them.  My test is now imminent and my bowels are beginning to make strange noises.  On my last lesson, I finally mastered the tricky U turns on the flat road and the instructor decided to take me to practice on the road used in the test.  It has a camber on it and makes throttle control much more tricky.  I did 3 U turns, putting my foot down each time, (a fail in the test), and finally fell off the bike on the 4th in spectacular fashion trapping my leg underneath it.  I was worried I’d done something serious to myself at first but it was only the brake that was broken and not a part of my body.  It was a costly error though as I had to pay for the breakage.  At present I rate my chance of passing this test as… low.  The nerves are going to play a big part in it and I’m feeling under pressure to pass after all the training I’ve been given.  There was a lady at the school the other day buying doughnuts to celebrate passing – it was her seventh attempt.  Gulp.  We’re supposed to be setting off round Europe in April!  Got to pass, got to pass!…  Think 3 B’s: deep Breaths, Belief and Bowel control.